Just when you thought it was safe to turn on the radio, comes news that not only has some dipshit agreed to fund turning stage production Rock Of Ages into a movie, but they’ve decided to cast Tom Cruise as the rockstar and plan on releasing an album of him singing bad 80s metal.
Lock up the children. Now. For those of you who aren’t aware of the gravity of this situation, Rock Of Ages is a mish-mash of a musical that tries to honour 80s hair metal, using the music as a backdrop for a story about fighting developers who wish to shut down live music venue ‘The Bourbon Room’.
The movie adaptation has an all star cast including Alec Baldwin, Russell Brand, Paul Giamatti, Catherine Zeta-Jones, and Mary J. Blige. That checks out, Zeta-Jones won an Oscar for her work in musical film Chicago, and Blige is a highly accomplished and talented musician.
But Tom Cruise? Really? What on earth were the producers thinking? It’s not only worse than you imagine, it’s worse than you can imagine.
To make matters worse, a soundtrack for the film will feature Cruise rocking out and singing songs from the back catalogue of Guns N Roses, Bon Jovi, Def Leppard, Whitesnake, Poison, Scorpions, and Journey. Just what did we do to deserve a rendition of ‘Paradise City’ with Cruise at the microphone?
Will we go see this film or listen to this soundtrack? We’d rather be slathered in eucalyptus oil and fed to a koala with rabies.
You can see the full track listing of the forthcoming soundtrack in all its horror below.
1. Paradise City (Tom Cruise)
2. Sister Christian / Just Like Paradise / Nothin’ But A Good Time (Julianne Hough, Diego Boneta, Russell Brand, Alec Baldwin)
3. Juke Box Hero / I Love Rock ‘n’ Roll (Diego Boneta, Alec Baldwin, Russell Brand, Julianne Hough)
4. Hit Me With Your Best Shot (Catherine Zeta-Jones)
5. Waiting For A Girl Like You (Diego Boneta, Julianne Hough)
6. More Than Words / Heaven (Julianne Hough, Diego Boneta)
7. Wanted Dead Or Alive (Tom Cruise, Julianne Hough)
8. I Want To Know What Love Is (Tom Cruise, Malin Akerman)
9. I Wanna Rock (Diego Boneta)
10. Pour Some Sugar On Me (Tom Cruise)
11. Harden My Heart (Julianne Hough, Mary J. Blige)
12. Shadows of the Night / Harden My Heart (Mary J. Blige, Julianne Hough)
13. Here I Go Again (Diego Boneta, Paul Giamatti, Julianne Hough, Mary J. Blige, Tom Cruise)
14. Can’t Fight This Feeling (Russell Brand, Alec Baldwin)
15. Any Way You Want It (Mary J. Blige, Constantine Maroulis, Julianne Hough)
16. Undercover Love (Diego Boneta)
17. Every Rose Has Its Thorn (Julianne Hough, Diego Boneta, Tom Cruise, Mary J. Blige)
18. Rock You Like A Hurricane (Julianne Hough, Tom Cruise)
19. We Built This City / We’re Not Gonna Take It (Russell Brand / Catherine Zeta-Jones)
20. Don’t Stop Believin’ (Julianne Hough, Diego Boneta, Tom Cruise, Alec Baldwin, Russell Brand, Mary J. Blige)