CONVERGE ARE BEATING THE GUTS UP ON NEW ALBUM

Best news of my life except last week’s news about Sikth getting back together, that was most excellent. Converge have been tweeting about their follow-up to 2009’s Axe To Fall for a while now, but you know shit just got real when Ben Koller starts laying down skinsmanship. Koller recently confirmed that he’s finished hitting up all 17 tracks on the album, which is set to be called All We Love We Leave Behind. That’s a bit emo, but I will forgive them anything ‘cos they made Jane Doe. Guitarist Kurt Ballou is once again doing the production deed in-house at his own studes, Godcity. Godcity can make deadly fucking sounds. You ever hear Meek Is Murder?

INCREDIBLE ONSTAGE RETARDATION

The humble guitar-swing can make you a hero to the people if you can actually do it. Bass players get extra points ‘cos basses are heavy as balls and if you catch yourself in the side of the temple with a Fender Precision tuning peg your life ends now. Mark Hoppus loves a bit of twirl, and so does Tobin Esperance at 3:12 in the vid for Between Twinks and Gloryholes by Caca Roach. Don’t judge me asshole, I was sixteen once. The guitarist in this vid can’t twirl, though. Far right, watch from 1:10 if you don’t wanna sit through the appalling shitness of this band. In a way that just makes everything funnier though, so I don’t know. Are you at work? Is your boss a cunt? Things to consider.

At one point someone even says, “That’s the second time that’s happened.” Mason, get some fucking straplocks. Newb.

KRISTEN RANDALL HAS AN AFFAIR

A Cancerous Affair, even. Yeah, it’s that really badly-named spin-off band that former Darkest Hour guitar guy Kris Norris started and then poached fellow DH refugee and drumski Ryan Parrish for. Now they’ve got Kristen Randall in there to do her keyboarding thang. You know this chick. She was in Winds of Plague and we all saw pictures of her pert alternative om-noms and it was a great day.

What the hell were we talking about. Oh yeah, Kristen’s in ACA now. Marta, Kristen… today is Hot Metal Biznatch Tuesday. I’ll see if I can’t make it a trifecta a little later on. Fun factoid: Parrish is Kristen’s boyf. He’s tapping that every night, sometimes maybe twice if the weather’s good. Scathing envy.

RAPED BY PIGS

I haven’t even listened to this band yet and I love them. They’re called Raped By Pigs. That’s right up there with Goatwhore, and ordinarily it’d be enough for me to declare myself a fan and buy a t-shirt to wear to a Bar Mitzvah. They go one better though, and have named their new record Gushing Orgasms 2. Needs more Satan but almost on par with Belphegor’s Bondage Goat Sodomy. Could they be the best band ever conceived by inhuman minstrels? Check out this track. It’s called Gushing Inner Core. Disgusting. I love it.

That was fucked. Happy new year.

7 HORNS 7 EYES’ DEBUT ALBUM

You don’t know who 7 Horns 7 Eyes are, but you’re about to and you know what’s gonna happen next is your cock will explode. If you do not have a cock your vulva will expand to the size of an angry little person’s trembling fist and weep a viscous fluid. God I feel sick. These guys are finally unleashing their debut LP Throes Of Absolution on April 23rd. Think a giant spider with killing blades for legs and web made out of monofilament wire and you’re totally involved in a bizarre allusion. Let this teaser talk you into it instead:

TRIPLE TOBES UNEARTHED

Aussie one this week. This is Aversions Crown. They’re from Brissy and they’re stupendous. Sit up and down on this until you are the sequel to goatse.cx.

SILLY GUITARIST ABOUT TOWN BUMBLEFOOT SAYS…

“Who wants to help me come up with a new ‘safe word’ ?”

HOT METAL BIZNATCH TUESDAY

I told you I’d finish today up with a trifecta of metal chicks what make your denim stir with repugnant desire. Coal Chamber are back together and headed to Oz for the first time ever in Feb for Soundwave. They’ve long had a history of attractive lady low-enders: Rayna Foss did the do up ‘til 2002 then bowed out to embrace Jesus and meth, then sometime fill-in Nadja Peulen hit fat strings for ‘em until it all fell apart in 2003. For their reunion, they’ve got a new one. Nobody’s talking about this, though. Why? Maybes ‘cos she didn’t cop a mention on the announcement and the music press is shite at being the music press. Her name’s Chela Rhea Harper. She’s a honey and I added her on Facebook.

Last year I hung out with CC throat and DevilDriver guy Dez Fafara, and we got talking about the band’s third subterranean mistress. He told me: “She’s got a real deal playing style, and she also plays guitar and sings. She comes from a musical background. Her dad is in Toots and the Maytals, probably one of the most famous reggae bands in history. I mean, they were one of Bob Marley’s influences. So she’s been surrounded by music all her life. She grew up listening to Coal Chamber’s music as well – she’s younger than us – so her enthusiasm was off the hook. To be onstage with a real player like that? She’s gonna bring something to the table that the other two haven’t, let’s face it.”

Though how much real-deal playing styleeeee one needs to play Big Truck is a bit suspect.