I Am Duckeye are an Australian train wreck rock band that have been making massive amounts of minus-money in the music industry since 2008. They have done stuff for many years and no budget has been harmed in the making of said stuff. When touring interstate, they mooch off friends with couches and do dishes to cover board. They know how to build their merch into a stack for the brave punter to frolick in after their train wreck shows.

It really seems incredible that they are not super rich already. In preparation for this illuminating Q&A Sam Haycroft (who sings and plays guitar) emailed a proforma questionnaire to his bro, Matt, who – according to their Facebook page – either is or plays a massive penis. Matt sent this back and bang. Here it is.

What’s your earliest memory of performing and who inspired you to start?

Sam and I used to entertain the other orphans with our songs like “A beating from a nun is like a kiss from Jesus”. So I guess our inspiration was from our lord and saviour, Bob Hawke.

You must answer this question honestly or we steal your rider. What and where was the first gig you went to?

It was U2 supported by BB King at Brisbane Entertainment Centre 1989. I was 9 years old and while watching Bono began to understand big words like ‘pretentious’ and ‘wanker’.

‘Fess up. What records have you stolen from your parent’s record collection and why?

Some Sonny Terry & Brownie Magee blues from the 50s, a Monty Python Boxset and a heap of Beatles, Stones, ABBA, Beach Boys singles. All vinyl of course, as I am putting into practice the words I learnt from Bono many years before.

What’s on heavy rotation on your iPod right now?

An I Am Duckeye bootleg. For a couple of reasons, one being that I need to listen to the songs to remember how they go and the other being out of respect for the bootlegger for bothering to go to all that effort putting us on the internet. Only the best stuff gets on the internet, you know…

How do you find new music?

I find new music derivative.

Do you have any particular ritual before you go on stage, or even a lucky charm you take with you?

I stretch. Our shows are very physical and I’m very fat.

As for lucky charms?

We take our girlfriends, so we can corner them later and they can tell us how amazing we were on stage.

If you could curate your own festival, where would it be, who would be on the bill, how many people would you let in and what features would it have?

I’m not Michael Chugg. This question is too long.

But I would probably only have bands that have recently reformed for the money. As for attractions, we’ll shake hands and kiss babies.

Actually, that conflicts with the court order.

When you’re Rolling Stones Big, what are you going to request on your rider: don’t be shy. We want specifics!

*Peppermint tea
* Fresh Fruit
* A fuckload of cocaine to shelf in our anuses.

Because it’s more fun to do things together, which living Australian artist would you most like to collaborate with? Tell us why?

Rolf Harris. He collaborated with The Beatles, it’s the next logical step.

What is your band’s music the best soundtrack for?

The Notebook. Ryan Gosling is such a dreamboat.

Where we can see you play next, what releases do you have available and where can we get them? 

Next Wednesday night I Am Duckeye play Revolver Upstairs with Sydney’s White Knuckle Fever opening at 8:30pm, us on at 9:30pm then all the way from Tassie is Circus Horrificus, a circus sideshow type act that will dazzle you like a Bedazzler with sword swallowing and contortions. Doors are $15/$10 presale.

If you must watch the box, check out I Am Duckeye’s “Duckisodes” and subscribe to our idiocy, it’ll be like hangin’ out watching TV together or something…