So Whitney Houston met her end at the hands of too much o’ the good-bad stuff, some Xanax and a sinister bathtub, and while I won’t pretend to be a fan for the sake of… I dunno, carrying on like she was a dear friend of mine who passed away on Facebook or whatever – I will say that her death annoyed me off because it inspired some hash brown to do this:

Dude. I’m totally into metal and I dunno who the fuck Tomas ‘Quorthon’ Forsberg is. You know why? Because metal is deconstructed anti-music. The whole point of it is that most people shouldn’t fucking like it. Whinging about why this or that horribly obscure artist who made hellish white noise for a living didn’t get any mainstream airtime upon flatlining is like wondering why folk don’t eat handfuls of microwaved splooge for breakfast.

~tobes

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TRUE-MOUR: NEUROSIS TO TOUR AUSTRALIA FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
I’m not sure if I should be letting this one outta the bag ‘cos it may cause dicks to weep viscous love across the galaxy and if you’re at work you’re stuck with that cock-stench all day, but the bestest thing about going to see John Baizley and Scott Kelly play acoustic endcore at the Manning Bar a coupla weeks back was this revelation from Kelly hisself: Neurosis are on track to tour Australia for the first time ever, this year. The man said December. That’s a ways off. I wish he’d said something else, like “tomorrow.”

HOW ‘BOUT SOME FRESH-ISH PERIPHERY?
Righto, let’s not mess around like pigs with big balls. We’ve got sorta-new Periphery to listen to. Yar, SORTA-NEW PERIPHEROID. This song’s called “Passenger” and if you’re one of the many skinny prog ‘tards I saw fapping into their corduroy at the Periph/Tesseract show last year, prep your seed for imminent expulsion.

It’s a bit cheeky, though. This isn’t actually from their next record. It’s a bonus track that was sweatily welded, Aliens-style, to the bum of their self-titled LP’s deluxe European re-release. So you might’ve heard it already. If so shut up you smug bastard.

RIDE MESHUGGAH’S KOLOSS
Here’s a thing: I’ve had Meshuggah’s new record for ages now. I am titanically better than you in every single way. No don’t even. Just embrace it. That being said, I done did spun it a buncha times and hopped on the telecommunications device to Tomas Haake last week, and all this cool music writer shit means I’m in a good posi to tell you that it is rad. Coincidentally enough, third track “Do Not Look Down” is also one of the album’s best – if not the best – and here, you can put it inside you:

Meshuggah. Vague accessibility. It’s happening. Don’t be an elitist longhair about it.

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BLACK SABBATH’S WORLDWIDE TOUR PLANS FOILED
Danghole. Black Sabbath have cancelled their plans for an epic worldwide reunion tour entirely, and will only be appearing at Download in the UK this year. Tony Iommi’s lymphoma diagnosis is obviously the biggest reason for the change of plans, but drummer Bill Ward’s persistent non-return to the fold also remains a point of contention. Rumours abound that arch-duchess of screeching bitchery Sharon Osbourne had him “fired,” but Ward has since posted this subtle rebuttal to his personal website:

Dear Sabbath Fans,
I wanted to let you know where things are at, from my point of view, as of today, February 17, 2012.
As my statement of February 2, 2012 indicated, I have not declined to participate in the Sabbath album and tour. At the earliest opportunity, I am prepared to go to the U.K. and record, and later tour with the band.
Last week, we sent further communication to the attorney handling the negotiations to try to reach an agreement. At this time we are waiting to hear back. I remain hopeful for a “signable” contract and a positive outcome.
I want to thank everyone who has voiced and posted their opinions, thoughts, support and love through all media, including the newly constructed sites. I applaud your worldwide reaction in support of the original band. And speaking for myself, your intent and truth will always be respected.
While believing in your freedom for expression, keep in mind that Tony, Ozzy and Geezer are still my lifetime friends, and I cannot support comments with an objectifying or derogatory theme toward them or their various representatives.
Many thanks to all of you. You are truly phenomenal.
Stay safe, stay strong.
–Bill Ward

YER NEW PRESENTER FOR JJJ’s THE RACKET IS…
This guy:

Lochlan “Pecs Out for the Boys” Watt. Clap clap, mayhap he do a fantastico job. His hair is kinda long and he’s got tattoos and shit, and it’s possible he worrrks oouuuut. Seems legit. He might even play some heavy stuff that was made in the last century, too. That’d be rad if you could do that, thanks Loch-stock.

GAH: CONVERGE RECORDING VOCALS
This clip is about 37 seconds of Converge banshee Jacob Bannon wearing a hoodie, but towards the end there he gets going on what’s gotta be the vox for the band’s follow-up to Axe To Fall.

Yesssssss. When’s it out? Who knows. But the drums are tracked and now J-Bann’s into it, so I’m tipping mid-year. One time I grabbed his hand from the mosh when Converge were playing Sydney in ’07 and it was like slipping through the anger of a thousand displaced transients.

THE BERZERKER DRUMMER JOINS MAN MUST DIE
Friend up Todd Hansen on Facebook and you’ll learn a shit-ton about shit. The guy documents his every tumultuous bowel movement constantly, even going so far as to provide pictorial evidence of the morning’s efforts at times. Seeing as he lives off a diet of fried wildebeest and DVD covers, you can sorta see where this is going (you don’t wanna, though). He’s also one fuck-off drummer, most prominently logging some serious hours blasting for The Berzerker. Now the dreaded dredded one has found his way into Man Must Die’s ranks. They’re Scottish, possibly love poo (“You poo, too? You’re HIRED!”), and made this record. Not too shabby.

SNEAK A LISTEN TO MARILYN MANSON’S NEWIE
For whatever reason, you still insist on liking Marilyn Manson. Maybe you fingered your first gothic sluzz on the couch of her suburban home while the BDO 1999 was on TV, I don’t know. What I do know is that if you wanna have a cheeky listen to their new record Born Villain ahead of sched, then this here 9+ mins video is for YOU:

That guy has the best life.

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tobes