Heya. I’m Tobes and Cone Theft is now too kvlt for vowels. That is to say, I’m your guy for abrasive music shitbits from here on in. Hopefully. It’s a trial basis, you understand. I’m the Daniel-san to their Mr. Miyagi and you are buzzing flies and I must snare you in my deft chopsticks. If this sucks and you don’t read it, then they’ll shut this whole stinking operation down and I don’t get my goon-bag money. So you know what to do. Hail, horns up, rawr, and whatever arse water metal guys say to let everyone know they’re metal. Let’s do this.

Writing this & watching: Gantz

 ~

THE BEST NEWS EVER, SIKTH EDITION

British bizarrotech originals Sikth are back together after slowly splitting up a coupla years after Death of a Dead Day came out in 2006. Why you would put the cross in the ground after pushing out a record like that is beyond me and that guy staring into the beyond. All the signs for a resurrection were there, though. The launch of their new Facebook page, a new site full o’ merch, and the fact that Aliases was just Sikth without Mikee Goodman and Justin Hill on the mics and that innit right. The Arusha Accord have been ripping their shtick for ages now, so har, new record inbound. Buh-lieve it. This is the word, rejoice:

“More Merch has been ordered guys.. hoodies and girls skinny tee’s. we will then look at getting some of the other designs up. btw, Calls for a reunion are amazing.. thanks… OF COURSE we want to… we’ve never said other wise. It will happen when the times right. There WILL be another SikTh record… and it will be our best… thats a PROMISE. It took us the best part of 2 years to complete the writing of DOADD so I guess you’ll have to be patient. Besides, theres a bucket load of riffs that we wrote for album three still sat there – so we’ll have a head start next time ;-)”

CRYPTOPSY’S NEW BASSIST

is this guy, Olivier Pinard. He used to slam in Neuraxis and Vengeful. Here he is low-ending it through Cold Hate, Warm Blood, one of the greatest extreeemecore songs in the solar system.

Long-server Eric Langlois exited the band for some R&R in 2011, with Youri Raymond from Unhuman replacing him in May. That guy lasted less than a year before he was revolved for Pinard so he must’ve only been able to read tab. Former lead string-eater and Jon Levasseur also returned to the fold just as Langlois was leaving, which bodes well for this next disc Cryptop are putting together. Apparently they’re ditching the clean vox that helped make The Unspoken King such a point of contention with purist doucherags. Boo, I liked ‘um.

And now a culinary sonnet from Vegan Black Metal Chef:

That guy is ace. What’s not ace is that

SUBVERSION ARE CALLING IT QUITS

Yerp. Subversion are extending last year’s hiatus to full-blown oversville. This is terrible because x) Subversion are/were sexcellent and y) Ambience and djent make for very attractive offspring. After four years making it happen they leave us with one last track. It’s totally instro and sounds unmixed. If real estate agents dealt in heavy they’d call it “rustic” and it’d cost extra.

UNEARTH FINALLY GET PERMA-DRUMMER

Derek Kerswill’s been off the Unearth throne since 2010, with hireling Justin Foley (done did time in Killswitch Engage and Blood Has Been Shed) settling in to hit thangs for last year’s kinda-blargh Darkness in the Light. Seattle skinsman Nick Pierce has taken up full-time residency with the guys. They discovered him on YouTube. If it was my band and I had to discover a new drummer on YouTube I’d go with this chick. But I’m cray-cray like that.

DILLINGER ESCAPE PLAN VOCALIST GREG PUCIATO SAYS:

“You can’t outrun bicycle cops in a car. You can’t!! They’re like Jason walking in Friday the 13th while you try to run.”

TRIPLE TOBES UNEARTHED

This is where I tell you about a sick heavy band you must hear or forever explode into a shower of Japanese giblets. Sorry this Gantz movie is kind of getting to me. The camera parks itself lovingly behind that chick’s form-fitting black spandex ass a lot, though. Anyway you simply must know Hypno5e. They’re French and have been around for ages, but had to wait until Gojira made it okay for French people to play abrasive stuff. This track’s called Acid Mist Tomorrow. It’s off the record of the same name, which is supposed to be out this year somewhere. Blackboard on: Hurry up.

BURZUM’S METAMORPHOSES

Seeing as Austraya Day is coming up I thought it’d be a topical time to check out what gigantic racist Varg Vikernes is up to with his one-man-band, Burzum. His next studio album called Umskiptar (Metamorphoses), and is supposed to come out in May. It has a song on it called Soaked in Blood which sounds like a ballad. According to VV hisself, all the words he done wrote for it are actually lifted from a vintage Norse poem called Völuspá. Why black metal guys insist on putting that kind of delicate artistry into a totally indecipherable format of anti-music is a bit silly. But then he did stab a guy to death so you know. Whatevs.

Oh, and happy upcoming Austraya Day. Don’t be a shithead like those dude-bros I saw at the Coogee Bay Hotel one year giving their waiter a hard time ‘cos he was of Indian descent. Our sea-girted country is best defined by a patchwork of flags from all over. Dead Kelly get that. They’re making fun of Coogee Bay Hotel twats with riffs. PS. It’s the vocalist from Melodyssey. He seriously doesn’t want you to know that. Sorry.